The Swing of Things

I definitely suffer from mood swings. It is evident in how certain sides of me reveal themselves here and there, particularly the extremely angry and vehement personality.

Last night, I found myself raging while I played “League of Legends” with my teammates. I was yelling a lot, being unnecessarily mean and just plain unpleasant to the people over Skype I should have been trying to gel with as one cohesive unit. A night that started out as an intention of having some fun matches resulted in a jumbled mess of hurt feelings and awkwardness.

One teammate ended up being silent as we played more games, and another teammate ended up leaving the Skype call and closing his LoL client abruptly when the collective mood turned too sour for his taste. Fact is, I was a huge reason as to why things got as bad as it did.

I do not like to be angry. It hurts to be mad. Any hope of getting a good emotional vibe is shattered when a rage-filled attitude takes over your mind and body.

Mood swings stem from my dad’s side of the family. All my life and to this day, my siblings, my mom and myself have learned to deal with my dad’s mood swings by just not confronting it. It is counterproductive, in all honesty, to try anything else.

When my dad is in a bad mood, everyone avoids him like the plague. He becomes extremely irritable, making you just want to escape the house altogether. Everyone just walks over eggshells when my dad becomes a grumpy grouch. And then his mood can shift toward a very happy-go-lucky individual at a moment’s notice.

It is the funny thing about mood swings. People with mood swings bounce back and forth from emotional extremes, which can make it a bit strange for others who are not used to it.

For me, I think gaming has been a key component as to why my mood swings are less obvious to people. Throughout the course of a given day, like anyone else, I can come across many things that will frustrate and grind my gears. I try to keep it all to myself. And so by the time I get home, I rely on my gaming outlet to “deposit” these excess, unwanted emotions toward the game as opposed to doing something else like hitting a wall/someone’s face.

As a result, sometimes these bad emotions get tossed toward people I do not want to receive them, especially when losing is involved (I loathe losing, after all). I always feel horrible once I finally come to my senses to realize that I may have said/done something I should not have. I always tell others that I am a different person when I game, and thus my mood swings make my point even more apparent.

Lately, I have been contemplating about what kind of person I would be if I did not have my gaming outlet. In real life, I am naturally shy and very straightforward. I try to get along with others, and I tend to keep to myself even when things are bothering me. Perhaps I rely on my particular outlet too much, but I do truly believe that it has kept me sane for all these years.